Most marriages start with the planning of that special
event – the wedding day – and many choose to go to
considerable length to ensure that their significant day is
beautifully coordinated and memorable for all who attend.
Whether a large or small and intimate setting, bridesmaid's
and groomsmen's outfits are carefully selected to be
perfectly color-matched and accessorized to complement
the bride and groom. And, the selection of songs is not
just the usual wedding songs, but rather melodious and
inspirational favorites that express the bride's and groom's
love for one another.

Aside from planning the wedding, which can sometimes
cause anxiety, far too many couples fail to realize that
their wedding day is just that - a wedding day, and not the
union. The wedding day is the celebration of two people
exchanging vows and committing their lives to each other
forever in the presence of family and friends and, most
importantly, God. It is only one occasion that occurs on
one day while the marriage, on the other hand, is designed
to be for a lifetime. The careful planning and coordination
of the wedding itself should mirror the careful planning
and coordination of the wedding. The question then
is, "How can couples ensure that their marriage is a
healthy marriage?" Simply answered: It takes planning
and coordination. Here, then, are seven ingredients for
planning a healthy marriage:

Know God's Purpose for Your Marriage

Many couples fail to experience a healthy marriage because
they do not know, or perhaps understand, God's plan for
marriage. Knowing God's purpose helps the couple to
understand the essence and foundation of any marriage
if it is going to endure all of the difficulties and trials of
life. Most importantly, marriage is not about pleasing each
other; it is about pleasing God. In Genesis 3:6-7, we see
where Adam made the tragic mistake of choosing to please
Eve, and not God, while in the Garden of Eden and the
consequences of that mistake.

Know That Change is Needed

The most difficult challenge that marriages face is change.
It is not enough to know that change is needed; it's crucial
that each person sees the need for change. By knowing
God's purpose and steadfastly holding on to God's
guiding principles in their lives, couples can learn to make
adjustments that work together to preserve and strengthen
the marriage. For example, some habits and learned
behaviors enjoyed when single may not be appropriate
for the marriage. One or both spouses may not know or
understand what it means to "leave and cleave". To leave
and cleave means to forsake all previous relationships
in which you were emotionally, financially, mentally,
and physically dependent. Those relationships must not
demand or be a priority in your life any longer. Another
example that may need change is going to the gym to play
basketball with the guys three days a week after work.
While single, that may have been reasonable because it
filled a time void in your life. Once married though, there
should no longer be that gap because your wife is now
your priority, and her needs must be considered first. The
same holds true for the wife who, while single, would
go and hang out with girlfriends, co-workers, family
members, etc., for hours on end. Her husband is now her
priority, and his needs must be the considered first.
A third example is the need to recognize that just because
you as a couple got along well before the marriage does not
necessarily mean some change is not needed. No longer are
you two separate individuals. You have been united as one,
and it is vital to understand that change in some habits and
learned behaviors will be needed. Importantly, change is
normal and inevitable.

Know and Accept Each Other's Differences

Many couples marry because they believe they have
so much in common that they sometimes fail to realize
they also have many differences. It is customary to have
differences as each is uniquely created by God. Those
differences should and can help to bring about a balance
in marriage with care and attention. For example, if
the marriage is going to be healthy, there has to be an
acceptance that you are not the same and that your
differences are not your weaknesses, but unrealized
strengths. In other words, it simply means that each of
you is physically, intellectually, mentally, and emotionally
different. And, furthermore, being different does not
necessarily mean that you don't love each other. Here,
acceptance plays a crucial element in your relationship,
meaning even if you don't change, each can and will still love the other.

Know How to Forgive and Ignore the Past

Forgiveness requires releasing your mate from the pain he
or she may have caused. Some couples believe the myth
that once you are forgiven, that act is forgotten. The truth
is that one rarely forgets, especially if deeply offended.
Only God has the self-imposed ability to forget. The Bible
teaches us in Jeremiah 31:34 that "He will forgive their
iniquity, and God will remember their sin no more".
Forgiveness releases you to live a joy-filled life without
bitterness.

Know Each Other's Background and Family History

Usually the demonstration of love, forgiveness, acceptance,
etc., is etched in our mind as the accepted way of doing
things, which may be okay in some experiences. For
example, if a spouse comes from a home where parents
openly demonstrate affection, respect, and structure in
the home, he or she will normally expect the same from
his or her mate. But, if the other spouse comes from a
home where affection is not explicitly demonstrated, that
spouse will probably not respond in an affectionate way.
Does this means that the spouse does not love and care for
his or her mate? No, it only means that he or she is only
demonstrating love and affection in the way it had been
taught and witnessed.

Knowing your spouse's background, particularly if there
has been a painful or hurtful experience, is also necessary
to understanding your partner. Sadly though, one or both
spouses sometime create walls between them to keep the
other from knowing areas of their lives. This can have a
negative impact on the marriage. For example, you may
find yourself holding out on your mate because you can't
or are afraid to let go and take a chance that he or she will
love you unconditionally. By holding back, you deprive
your spouse of total commitment to the marriage. The
Bible says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casted
out fear because fear has torment. He that feareth is not
made perfect in love"(1John 4:18).
Know How to Communicate

Effectively

Effective communication is especially vital to a healthy
marriage relationship and is another critical issue couple's
face. All too often when one spouse blames the other
for a lack of communication, it is usually the spouse that
wants to communicate that lacks effective communication
skills. Communicating clearly takes effort and should
be considerate, planned, and inviting. In fact, studies
have indicated that verbal communication is only 7
percent of how we communicate. The tone of one's
voice communicates 38 percent, and the other 55 percent
involves facial expressions and general posture, as well
as hand gestures. The Bible admonishes us to "not let any
unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what
is useful for building others up according to their needs
that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29).
Know That Marriage Is NOT a 50/50

Relationship

Marriages that are based on a 50/50 relationship usually
end up in divorce because of performance expectations and
not faith. While that belief may sound convincing and seem
to make sense, there is just one problem: It doesn't work!
This relationship says that you should look at the other
person's performance to make sure that he or she is doing
his or her fair share. This thinking promotes independence
- "You do your part, and I'll do mine" – and can lead to
dissatisfaction within the marriage when the performance
expectation is not met.

The question I often ask couples during premarital
counseling is, why they would only want to give their
spouse whom they profess to love only 50 percent of their
love. It would stand to reason that if each loves the other,
each would like to give his or her all to make the union a
happy and fulfilling experience.

Faith-based marriages require 100 percent and are rooted
in full participation on the part of each spouse. In this
marriage, the spouses do not look to see if the other person
has done his or her part. It's expected with each spouse
giving fully, respectfully, and honestly.

Couples, then, generally marry because they love each
other. It is an act of their will. And, because love is an act of
their will, they can either choose to love or not to love each
other at any given time. When the will changes and love
isn't felt, the abiding love for God will sustain the marriage.

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About the Author:
Alvah R. Lawson, Sr., is the Senior Associate Pastor at the Bible
Way Church of Atlas Road, serving full-time for the past 15
years. One of his many duties is performing pre-martial and marriage
counseling to couples. He and his wife Pat have been married
for 37 years, and together they lead the Couples Ministry.
The Lawson's own four adult children and three grandchildren,
all of whom reside in the Columbia, SC, area